My Dog Knows Customer Service

My dog Bobby can teach you a lesson about how to keep your customers happy.  Really, he can.

First let me set the scene.  At our house we have an invisible fence that keeps him in the yard, so as a result he's able to roam freely in the front and back yards.  He loves to hang out on the front porch and when it's not too hot he loves to lay out on the driveway.

As is common almost anywhere, there are delivery vehicles that pass by on a regular basis.  If a delivery was being made to our house I would usually call Bobby inside to avert the confrontation between dog and delivery person.  Drivers come equipped with dog treats to help them make the peace, but that doesn't always work.

One thing I noticed over time is that the UPS driver would slow down and throw a treat to Bobby on the driveway even if he wasn't going to make a delivery to our house.  The purpose became clear – he was building goodwill.  Brown truck + person in brown uniform = treat = happy feeling.

Now let's compare this to the FedEx drivers who don't provide treats unless they have a delivery and even then not every time.  I received a call recently from a FedEx guy stating that he was trying to make a delivery but that the dog would not let him on the driveway.  Apparently Bobby really didn't like this guy.  And why should he?  This person was a complete stranger and there was no positive association with a white delivery truck, only brown ones.

The UPS drivers in my area made an effort to continue building a relationship even when there was no immediate business associated with it.  The FedEx drivers did not.  The result is that Bobby had a better impression of UPS than he did of FedEx.

Think of how this applies to your customers.  Do you do the little things to keep your customers engaged and provide them with perks (“treats”) even when you're not selling them something?   If you don’t then you should.  That way when you try to sell them something the next time, you can be greeted with a wag and “let onto the driveway” or at least have a better chance at success as opposed to being barked at and kept shut out or at best having a difficult time achieving your objective.

Bobby is available for customer success consulting.

Mondelez is the new Mississippi

Kraft spun off its snack food business into a separate company, which means they had to come up with a name for that new company.  They decided to eschew the route of hiring a marketing agency to help find a new name and decided to solicit suggestions from their own employees.

After sifting through thousands of suggested names they settled upon the name Mondelez.  Yep, Mondelez.  Really, that’s what they decided was the best.  Makes me wonder if they sorted the list with worst on top instead of best.

It is pronounced mohn-duh-LEEZ.  Officially, the emphasis is on the last syllable.  I think the emphasis should be on the middle syllable instead – DUH.

The name is a combination of two words that mean “world” and “delicious” in several languages.  At least that was their interpretation.  After some crack investigation, I found that a small Pacific island where that name means “gullible sheep”.  (I haven’t figured out how you determine the difference between a gullible and non-gullible sheep, but that’s a different topic.)

When you name a company you have to conduct a trademark search to find out if that name is used anywhere else by another company or even sounds or is spelled similarly to another company or product.  On this one I think the search took about 10 minutes.  I hope the trademark search company was paid a fixed fee instead of by the hour.

One big problem is that all the good company names are already taken, so a company that needs a new name is forced to wander off into the land of made up mash up words.  The goal is usually to find some really cool name that conveys the history and mission of the company in three syllables or less.  That’s a tall task, for sure, but you have to know when to keep searching.

The company I work for went through a name change last year.  In the search for the perfect name we came up with many, many really, really bad names.  A few of these really, really bad names came frighteningly close to being “the name” but fortunately they were eventually ruled out.  Even the winning name wasn’t an instant success, but the heart did warm to it over time.

Growing up in Louisiana we were often low in categories that you’d rather not be low in, such as education.  No matter what, though, there was one saying that we could always take comfort in: “At least we’re not Mississippi”.  I imagine that people in Alabama used that one as well.  The point is that we may be bad, but someone else is worse.

That’s why Mondelez is the new Mississippi, at least in the corporate world.  No matter how bad the name of your company sucks, you can always say “At least we’re not Mondelez”.

Deceptive Product Labeling

Previously, I shared an example of a Happy Product Design.  Take one mundane syrup bottle, add some creativity, and voilà you make something unexpected and interesting.

Now for an example of the "dark side" of product design, specifically in the labeling.  Not dark in a truly evil way, but definitely on the shady side.  Here it is...

The text "40% More" is prominently displayed on the label.  Now read the fine print... "than our 14 oz".  Ah, now you see.  They're not saying "40% Free", they're just saying "40% More".  And, surely enough 20 oz. is 40% more than 14 oz. (after rounding).  It's a mathematical exercise.

And guess how much this product costs?  Why yes, it costs about 40% more than the 14 oz. version.

Many people are tuned to look for labels with "40% More", "25% More", etc.  Often people don't notice that the word "Free" is missing and reach for the product thinking they're getting a bargain, but they're not.  That's what the manufacturer is counting on to boost sales.

Even if you do figure out that you're not getting anything extra for free, the prominent "40% More" text will get you to notice this product above others because we're trained to look for deals and at first glance this one matches the pattern.

This is not unique to French's mustard - not by any means.  I've seen many more examples of this before.  In this case, I like the product and a stunt like this doesn't change my likelihood to buy it.  So no harm done, right?  Well, not in this case, for me, but for other products it could definitely have an impact.

So what's the lesson?  Read labels carefully and understand what you're getting.  Or don't do it and live your life being manipulated by evil product labeling designers who laugh at you.

Musical Twitter

Are you a Twitter aficionado? Twitter literate (twitter-ate)? Well then, read on. If you don't know what Twitter is, how it works, or why a Twitter message is called a tweet instead of a twit then this post isn't for you.

People develop their own Twitter usage strategy. Whether you think about it or not, you do. Stating it in words is one thing, but why not put it to music? Better yet, let's dig up songs from amazingly forward-thinking bands who, dare I say, predicted the emergence of Twitter.

There's the Genesis approach of let's all follow each other...

Genesis - Follow You, Follow Me  I will follow you will you follow me  All the days and nights that we know will be  I will stay with you will you stay with me  Just one single tear in each passing year

How nice. In the twitter-verse this is known as #teamfollowback, among other things. Face it, I need more followers, you need more followers, let's do this.

And then there's the Uncle Kracker approach where you assert that people should follow you and that will make their life better...

Uncle Kracker - Follow Me  Follow me everything is alright  I'll be the one to tuck you in at night  And if you Want to leave I can guarantee  You won't find nobody else like me

Why, you're a fool if you don't follow someone like me. I'm here to help you. I'm doing you a favor by putting myself out on Twitter for people like you to follow.

Finally (for today), there's the U2 approach which I consider to be a sheep strategy...

U2 - I Will Follow  Walkaway, walkaway  I walkaway, walkaway...I will follow  If you walkaway, walkaway,  I walkaway, walkaway...I will follow  I will follow

Sheep, lemming, you decide. No matter what you do I'm going to follow you. You don't know who I am... no problem. I'm there following what you do. You don't need to acknowledge my existence, that's perfectly okay. It could be construed as a stalker approach, but I think not. I'm sticking with sheep.

Everyone has to define their own Twitter strategy. Whether you sing it out loud, hum a tune, or lip sync badly, there is a Twitter melody inside of you somewhere.

Facebook: Witness to the Downturn

A Simple Fact

It’s hardly a bold prediction.  It’s not all that insightful, really.  But it is a certainty:  Facebook will fade away.  I’m not talking this year, or even next (if there is one), but some time well before the end of this decade.  It will happen much more quickly than many people would guess.  It won't go away.  AOL and MySpace still exist, though they're only shells of what they used to be and aspired to become.

The downturn of Facebook has already begun and I have witnessed it firsthand.  The explanation of how I know this is very simple.  If you want to save time, just skip over the meaningless filler material regarding what other people think and head straight to the How I Know section.

What Others Are Saying

For those of you who want to prolong the reveal, here are some samples of what some other people are writing.

Alex Cowles compares Facebook’s evolution to MySpace.  He liked the simple, clean style of Facebook in the early days, but that has fallen by the wayside.

“It's countless re-posts of that same picture of a goldfish farting, and thousands of "lol" related acronyms and suchlike. It's the knowledge that every time your "friends" even think about thinking about you, you’ll get a notification, a tag, a nudge, a gift, a message, an invite, a calendar event, a slap, a poke, a shove, a fight, a cavity search, an anal intrusion ad infinitum. It's the masses and their insatiable appetite for the lowest common denominator.”

Facebook is the new MySpace - The Demise of Facebook Has Begun

Douglas Rushkoff chronicles the rise and fall of several companies that skyrocketed to perceived success only to fall as quickly.  Among the debris, AOL and MySpace.

“The object of the game, for any one of these ultimately temporary social networks, is to create the illusion that it is different, permanent, invincible and too big to fail. And to be sure, Facebook has gone about as far as any of them has at creating that illusion.”

“So it's not that MySpace lost and Facebook won. It's that MySpace won first, and Facebook won next. They'll go down in the same order.”

Facebook hype will fade

Jason Huffman thinks that the noise level from people posting humorous pictures, news, and other random material waters down the reason why he started using Facebook in the first place and ultimately steers him to other communication tools such as Twitter.

“I guess what frustrates me most is that Facebook, an absolutely incredible social medium, is no longer about relationships.”

“As Facebook has turned the corner from being less about relationships and more about information, I believe the clock is ticking.  And this is no fault of Mark Zuckerberg or Facebook’s management group.  I think this is what we want as a culture.  People are wired to share things and post things that gratify the ego, which increases the capacity for humorous postings and unoriginal song lyrics that attain a bunch of "likes".”

The Demise of Facebook

Cadie Thompson reports on an interview with Eric Jackson in which Jackson gives his opinion on why Facebook will fade away.  Not disappear completely, mind you, but move off to a nice, rest home in much the same way that Yahoo has shuffled off.

"When you look over these three generations, no matter how successful you are in one generation, you don't seem to be able to translate that into success in the second generation, no matter how much money you have in the bank, no matter how many smart PhDs you have working for you."

Facebook Will Disappear in 5 to 8 Years: Analyst

There are, of course, literally hundreds if not thousands of articles and blog posts that carry similar themes.  These were a few examples that illustrate some interesting points.


How I Know

Now that you’ve made it past the filler material of what other people think, I’ll tell you how I know for sure that Facebook will indeed fade away.  I'll tell you how I know the downturn has already begun.  It may not appear as a downturn in total number of users, or numbers of posts, or advertising dollars - at least not yet.  No, it's actually much worse than that.

You see, I have a teenage daughter.  She was glued to Facebook for the better part of the last two years.  And now… well… she’s “over it”.  Her Facebook use dropped dramatically.  She even quit cold turkey for seven weeks this spring.  I thought she’d make it a day or maybe a week, but she easily cruised through the entire self-imposed ban.  She still gets on it sometimes, but instead she’s moved on to other things.  

Instagram, now that’s cool (which is why Facebook was threatened enough to buy them for $1B).  Twitter trumps Facebook… at least until the next thing comes along.

Many of her friends feel the same way about Facebook.  Here are a couple sample tweets to illustrate:

They are the future.  They will shape what the next big thing will be.  Sure, they will change their mind.  And change it again, and again, and again....

And Facebook?  Well, apparently that’s so 2011.  

Happy Product Design

This is an example of really good product design. Their requirement was simple: create a cap that helps prevent drips. They did that and had fun with it. The first time I saw it I smiled right back at it.

That's the right attitude in product design - even the little details matter and provide an opportunity to make a positive or negative impression. They could achieve the same result in other ways.

I imagine that they came up with a slot and a single hole as the functional winner.  Then maybe someone made a comment that it looked like a space alien.  Then someone else thought that it should look human instead.  Then they realized it could be a smiley face and perhaps changed the slot shape to achieve that look.

Who would think that a syrup bottle could give you a good feeling? They did.

Good job.  Well done.  Bravo.

Annoying Door-to-Door Salesmen

I have an intense dislike for door-to-door salesmen. I don't get that many, mind you, but when they do come I find it extremely irritating. I used to let them finish their 30 second pitch then say I wasn't interested, but since I knew I was already not interested from the start I decided to try saving both their time and mine. I would open the door and say "not interested". That approach didn't work.

Salesmen are programmed to pitch you. Being summarily rejected just means the customer is ignorant. They think "If I can give you my pitch then certainly you will understand the value of what I'm offering" at which point they can direct the conversation to extolling the benefit of their product and differentiation against the competition.

I know. I've worked with salesmen for over two decades now. Not the door-to-door type, mind you, but the art of the sale is very similar no matter what you're selling and where. Engage the prospect, convince them they need what you're selling, close the deal.

Back to my door-to-door situation. The "not interested" approach had issues because the salesmen were expecting it. They're trained extensively on what to say and how to handle such a situation. Just recently I had one who wouldn't stop trying. It turned into a modified version of the Monty Python Argument Clinic sketch.

He would make a statement, I'd say "not interested", he would make another statement, I'd say "don't care", and so on. Somehow he thought that counted as engaging the prospect.

So the path forward became clear. In order to combat the seasoned door-to-door salesman you have to catch him off-guard. Put him in a situation where he doesn't have a ready-made comeback. To this end, I created a small handout that I now give to any salesman who comes to my door. I simply hand it to him and say "Read this", after which I close the door.

The letter changes over time. Here is the current incarnation...

Dear person who just rang my doorbell:

As a rule I don't buy anything from people who come to my door to solicit. I don't care if it's a good deal. I don't care if it's free. I don't care if I really, really need what you're selling. I don't care if my neighbors referred you here. They probably just wanted to get rid of you also. Oh, and the fact that they're idiots.

If you're selling pest control then rest assured I have it covered. Asking who I currently use is pointless. The only pests I have are solicitors who come to my door, and because you're one of them I'm guessing you don't have a solution for that.

If you're selling home security then you can also rest assured I have it covered. And do people really tell you which security service they use when you ask? Seriously? Maybe I should start going door to door making records of who uses what system so I'll know which houses are easier to break into. And by the way, my security is by Smith & Wesson. Not the gun – we bake a Granny Smith pie using Wesson oil. My dog is trained to not attack visitors to whom I've handed an apple pie. You don't have a pie in your hands, do you?

If you're from the cable company or that other dish provider, you can forget it. I'm happy with my service. I like the price. I'm not switching for your promotional offer good for a period of time after which you have no idea what it will cost me.

If you’re here to sell me phone service, just how long were you in that coma?

Don't take this personally. I am rejecting you just because you came to my door - plain and simple. I'm sure if I got to know you better I could find many specific reasons not to like you, so let's just have you go away now so we can keep things cordial.

I wish you good luck doing whatever it is that you do. Just not here. Not now. Not ever.

The other alternative was a bit more drastic, but may be something to consider if this letter thing starts to lose effectiveness:

Maybe I should keep my approach a secret. If enough people started doing it then it now becomes a new lesson in the salesman handbook: How to combat the smart-ass who hands you a printed statement.

So now you understand the title of this entry: Annoying Door-to-Door Salesmen. It started with them annoying me but now is all about me annoying them.