Annoying Door-to-Door Salesmen

I have an intense dislike for door-to-door salesmen. I don't get that many, mind you, but when they do come I find it extremely irritating. I used to let them finish their 30 second pitch then say I wasn't interested, but since I knew I was already not interested from the start I decided to try saving both their time and mine. I would open the door and say "not interested". That approach didn't work.

Salesmen are programmed to pitch you. Being summarily rejected just means the customer is ignorant. They think "If I can give you my pitch then certainly you will understand the value of what I'm offering" at which point they can direct the conversation to extolling the benefit of their product and differentiation against the competition.

I know. I've worked with salesmen for over two decades now. Not the door-to-door type, mind you, but the art of the sale is very similar no matter what you're selling and where. Engage the prospect, convince them they need what you're selling, close the deal.

Back to my door-to-door situation. The "not interested" approach had issues because the salesmen were expecting it. They're trained extensively on what to say and how to handle such a situation. Just recently I had one who wouldn't stop trying. It turned into a modified version of the Monty Python Argument Clinic sketch.

He would make a statement, I'd say "not interested", he would make another statement, I'd say "don't care", and so on. Somehow he thought that counted as engaging the prospect.

So the path forward became clear. In order to combat the seasoned door-to-door salesman you have to catch him off-guard. Put him in a situation where he doesn't have a ready-made comeback. To this end, I created a small handout that I now give to any salesman who comes to my door. I simply hand it to him and say "Read this", after which I close the door.

The letter changes over time. Here is the current incarnation...

Dear person who just rang my doorbell:

As a rule I don't buy anything from people who come to my door to solicit. I don't care if it's a good deal. I don't care if it's free. I don't care if I really, really need what you're selling. I don't care if my neighbors referred you here. They probably just wanted to get rid of you also. Oh, and the fact that they're idiots.

If you're selling pest control then rest assured I have it covered. Asking who I currently use is pointless. The only pests I have are solicitors who come to my door, and because you're one of them I'm guessing you don't have a solution for that.

If you're selling home security then you can also rest assured I have it covered. And do people really tell you which security service they use when you ask? Seriously? Maybe I should start going door to door making records of who uses what system so I'll know which houses are easier to break into. And by the way, my security is by Smith & Wesson. Not the gun – we bake a Granny Smith pie using Wesson oil. My dog is trained to not attack visitors to whom I've handed an apple pie. You don't have a pie in your hands, do you?

If you're from the cable company or that other dish provider, you can forget it. I'm happy with my service. I like the price. I'm not switching for your promotional offer good for a period of time after which you have no idea what it will cost me.

If you’re here to sell me phone service, just how long were you in that coma?

Don't take this personally. I am rejecting you just because you came to my door - plain and simple. I'm sure if I got to know you better I could find many specific reasons not to like you, so let's just have you go away now so we can keep things cordial.

I wish you good luck doing whatever it is that you do. Just not here. Not now. Not ever.

The other alternative was a bit more drastic, but may be something to consider if this letter thing starts to lose effectiveness:

Maybe I should keep my approach a secret. If enough people started doing it then it now becomes a new lesson in the salesman handbook: How to combat the smart-ass who hands you a printed statement.

So now you understand the title of this entry: Annoying Door-to-Door Salesmen. It started with them annoying me but now is all about me annoying them.

The Pedestrian Contract

I stopped my car to let you walk across in front of me. Maybe I had to, maybe I didn't... doesn't matter. At that point we've entered into a contract. My responsibility has been fulfilled – I stopped.

Now it is your responsibility to cross as quickly as possible given your size, stature, and physical condition. You are not to leisurely stroll across. No talking on a cell phone if that impairs your ability to walk. No hands waving, back slapping, shoulder punching, turning around interactions with friends. And last but not least, do not cross on a diagonal. If you learned nothing in school, the hypotenuse of a triangle is never the shortest side.

My goodwill has a time limit. Perhaps I'll mount a countdown timer to the front of my car, like you see in crosswalks. That way you'll know just how much time you have before these wheels start rolling again.

Your honor, I fulfilled my obligation. The decedent breached the contract.

The 3 M&M's Society

Researchers in Finland have scientifically proven that eating 3 M&M's is the optimal amount. After eating 3 M&M's the brain registers the feeling of having eaten M&M's and produces a measurable sense of satisfaction. Eating more than 3 does not enhance the experience and actually contributes to decreased satisfaction. Eating less than 3 does not trigger the brain's awareness of having eaten them and thus does not establish residual satisfaction.

The study involved taking lab mice and feeding them a quantity of M&M's (micro-sized, of course). After ingesting the M&M's the mice had to navigate through a maze and then answer a brief questionnaire.

• In tests with 1 M&M, mice could not recall what they ate and assumed it was some new suspected carcinogen or hair care product that no one in their right mind would eat in the first place. 
• In tests with 2 M&M's, mice were pretty sure they had not eaten shampoo and had eaten something tasty but could not recall what it was.
• In tests with 3 M&M's, mice knew that they had eaten M&M's and were very content.
• In tests with 4-7 M&M's, there was still recognition that M&M's had been eaten but increasing discontent that more were not provided. Sensory acclimation was present --- eating more M&M's no longer increased satisfaction.
• In tests with 10 or more M&M's, the mice generally couldn't finish the maze or scurried off very quickly and did not complete the questionnaire. They were later observed shaking in their cages.

After the results with mice, the researchers set out to confirm the results on humans. Unfortunately, the human test subjects had extreme difficulty trying to fit into the tiny mazes and could not fill out the tiny questionnaire using the tiny pencils provided, so no conclusive data was gathered.

Researchers decided that the results with mice were convincing enough to publish. Besides, they were almost out of grant money and wanted to throw a really cool party.

So eat 3 M&M's and be happy.

Pigs in Crisis

You know the story of the three little pigs. The third pig saved the day, right? The third pig was the smartest, right? Well, yes and no.

It turns out that the third pig reached beyond his means to build the brick house. Along with it came a hefty mortgage and home equity loan that created a debt greater than the value of the house. In good times this was not a big issue, but troubles began when the recession hit.

Workforce cutbacks in hours for the third pig put a tremendous strain on his finances. In time he was laid off. Searching high and low he was unable to find steady employment at all, much less of the same caliber as his previous position.

In short time he could not make his mortgage payments. The bank foreclosed on his wonderful brick house and he was forced to move out.

Simply put, a well-educated, well-employed pig does not earn enough to afford a brick house. Whereas the old mortgage rules made it possible for pigs to reach above their means, the housing crisis and new mortgage rules have made it virtually impossible for pigs to obtain a brick house loan. They are only qualified for buying houses of straw or sticks.

And that is the crux of the crisis.

Pigs with brick houses provide shelter from big bad wolves. Even if not living in brick houses themselves, pigs always knew someone who did and could seek shelter if the wolf came knocking.

Now, that is no longer the case. Pigs cannot qualify to buy brick houses and those who owned them have been getting foreclosed upon and evicted in record numbers. Wolves are having a field day and the pigs are essentially defenseless.

Some pigs choose to live on hog farms where they get free room, board, and protection. However, those pigs pay the ultimate price. It is well known that pigs are not diligent in reading the fine print on contracts, so they always focus on the free benefits section and overlook the part describing their ultimate fate.

So if you think the recent mortgage reforms are completely sensible, consider the poor defenseless pigs out there in the world.

Next installment...

Pigs tap the black market for guns: Why background checks unfairly disqualify pigs from legitimate weapons purchases

Stealing Christmas

No, we're not talking about the Grinch here.  And to fast forward, I did not actually steal Christmas.

My ideal Christmas shopping experience happens online.  No driving, no parking, no crowds, no hassles.  Having a well-defined list of targets makes the experience that much better.  "Browsing" a store virtually just to look usually isn't fun for me.  I prefer to search, compare prices, execute the transaction, then move on with life.  Simple, easy, effective.  My definition of shopping joy.

This year I was especially prepared.  Great, well-defined list loaded with cool items and no "must have product of this year that everyone wants but the manufacturer didn't make enough so people stake out store delivery trucks and bid outrageous amounts on eBay to obtain".

Search, find, purchase, next item on the list, repeat.  It's just that easy.  Well, it was easy to start but there was an unexpected obstacle thrown in my path.  American Express did not approve of my shopping style.  At one point they decided to stop authorizing my transactions.  I wasn't spending thousands of dollars nor was there any kind of a credit issue.  Nope, they just stopped me cold.

I received an email from their fraud protection group stating that suspicious charges were identified and that I needed to call them before I could continue using the card.  I'll spare the details of that experience, but I can say that the whole process took about an hour.  In terms of physical shopping an hour is nothing, but in my ultra-efficient online shopping zone that probably added about 50% to my total shopping experience --- a serious performance hit.

Through this something became readily apparent.  My style of Christmas shopping probably looked much like someone who had stolen a credit card.  Quick purchases of really cool electronics, sophisticated gadgets, and trendy footwear.

They thought I was stealing Christmas.

I guess next year I need to rethink my shopping plan and spread out the purchases, like a good, patient criminal would.

Final note to AmEx:
I have mixed feelings about your concept of fraud protection.  As a consumer, I am protected from fraudulent purchases, so as much as you try to frame it as "we're looking out for you and you should thank us" what you're doing is protecting yourself to the detriment of your customers. Really, you didn't protect me here but instead made it inconvenient for me to use your product.  If you're going to cut me off like that then give me an easy way to tell you a purchase is legit.  Right now you make people call you to answer some questions.  That was painful.  One reason I love AmEx is because of the purchase protection and extended warranty benefits.  But throw roadblocks in my ability to actually use the card and I'll switch to that other card sitting in my wallet.  So, simple message: Make it easy for the customer... the real, legitimate, I'd like to buy stuff now customer.